Under these conditions of course, the task of maintaining 'safe' emotional proximity becomes a non-issue. The twin fears of Abandonment and Engulfment or loss of Self , combine with difficult feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness that catalyze destructive, compensatory behaviors. The doctrine teaches this is not so. The act of taking care of another, helps you access emotions like sympathy and compassion for someone else that you've never had opportunity to receive, nor have you permitted yourself to feel these emotions toward yourself without shaming criticism and self-judgment. It's imperative you seek specialized help to stop this self-destructive habit! You might identify yourself as a 'rescuer type' personality, but you were not born with this trait.
This is quite common in contemporary marriages. Denial keeps us trapped in self-blame for our failings, instead of putting the blame where it actually belongs. Reluctant to acknowledge or experience personal needs, even psychotherapists may neglect to confront their own core disturbances, which leaves them ill-suited to recognize and empathically respond to their patients' most distressing feelings, struggles and self-sabotaging patterns--but is it even possible to effectively walk someone else through a dark, scary tunnel that you've been unable or unwilling to navigate? During this child's impaired post-natal attachment experiences, he acquires a subtle anxiety that cannot help but question, "if something should happen to you, what will become of me? You've unwittingly selected partners whose self-esteem is flagging, or whom in some way need rescuing or extreme amounts of support or nurturing. We learn how to love ourselves and others, by how we were treated as children. The 'dependent origination' doctrine is presented in Vinaya Pitaka 1. Having learned to obliterate vital emotions in order to survive, recognizing and conveying them in a direct, straightforward manner not only feels foreign, it forces one to confront long-dreaded vulnerability, and challenges or threatens one's entrenched non-needing identity. Give yourself several weeks to absorb this material from start to finish. While Buddhism promotes the belief that 'chanting' will bring us everything we want, it takes a dim view of emotions and actions that aren't considered congruent with "being in service" to another--once again, de-prioritizing our feelings and needs, and putting them on the back-burner to simmer, and rob energy from more productive pursuits! This 'sense of family' can unfortunately catalyze detrimental consequences, as well. If you haven't come to fully accept yourself with both light and dark facets and feelings, how can you possibly like and respect yourself? At this juncture, one's relationship endeavors can start to become more balanced, productive and gratifying. Their absence can leave us shooting in the dark romantically and professionally, and have us settling for harmful relationship dymanics, just to flee inner emptiness that feels worse than most types of pain. Under these conditions, any connection might seem better than no connection at all. It also keeps us addicted to dramatic, painful relationship experiences. This is a somatic biological response in your body, which indicates that a facet of you is relating to various issues being discussed or explained here, and they have very important meaning for you. The stories I hear of the pain these adult children have endured are heartbreaking, and I'm utterly amazed by their willingness and capacity to even approach trusting me. This impulse stems from archaic sensations of shame which are codified by a parent's distorted confirmation that we're defective or unlovable. But what's at the core of this issue?? This means, lovers who are capable of reciprocating their care and affection, are rejected out of hand. Did I speak with her about these issues? Think of a jigsaw puzzle searching for its own missing pieces in another, that houses a greater variety of shapes and colors, which is key to why they attach themselves to lovers who possess volatile, cruel or fragile personality facets. His genuine feeling self has effectively been submerged and killed off. Given these children presume it's their fault for feeling this way, they attempt to be more useful, helpful and other-oriented, to keep the dreaded deadness at bay.
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